GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

MARCH 8, 1996

Evenings Out

Do what she says

Uniquely queer situations call for uniquely queer etiquette

De What :) Say"

MS

BEHAVIOR'S

GUIDE TO

GAY &

LESBIAN

ETIQUETTE

by Ed Karvoski, Jr.

If you read self-help books, you're no doubt suffering from overexposure to dry statistics and psycho-babble du jour. And if you're a gay man or a lesbian, you're probably still searching for a satisfying tome that specifically addresses queer manners—more specifically, with a patently queer sense of humor.

To the rescue comes Meryl Cohn, a.k.a. Ms. Behavior, a self-proclaimed advice and etiquette expert, and author of Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior's Guide to Gay and Lesbian Etiquette (Houghton Mifflin). While offering good-sense advice, this out-and-proud lesbian's tongue is—where else?-planted firmly in her cheek.

Her qualifications to write such a book? "I had been a psychology major at Smith College," explains Cohn, "and one of the things I realized was that I lacked the patience to listen to people for 50 minutes at a time, but I still had this impulse to tell people what to do."

Ever pithy, Ms. Behavior dishes out her counsel without the aid of a Ph.D.—and definitely without a trace of B.S. Her opinion of “straightening up" your home for visitors? She responds in five words: "Don't be such a wuss." Her advice on coming out to parents? "It is usually best just to blurt it out in ordinary conversation."

Furthermore, Do What I Say challenges "proper" protocol and throws it out the windowmake that, out the closet.

"There are people who will tell you that it is not polite to act like a queen in public places, but it is Ms. Behavior's firm belief that one should never be polite at the expense of dispensing with one's personality or identity,” she writes.

Before Cohn gave birth to her opinionated alter ego in 1991, she worked as a journalist, writing reviews, interviews, and even a health column, for Bay Windows, Boston's gay weekly newspaper. Her work has also appeared in the Village Voice, Boston Phoenix, and 10 Percent magazine.

"When I first started writing for newspapers and magazines,” said Cohn, “I immediately loved doing research. It's a great excuse to experience things you normally wouldn't. If you're doing an article about body piercing, for instance, it's fun to go and watch somebody get pierced." Her article about body piercing, however, was rejected; it was deemed "too fun" for her health column.

All the while, her humorous bent was brewing until it finally burst onto the pages of Bay Windows in the form of Ms. Behavior's advice and etiquette column. "I soon realized that Ms. Behavior dares to say things that I might be a little squeamish about saying," says Cohn, who lives in New York. "We both have a New Yorker point of view, but Ms. Behavior is more brash about it.”

Start with one-part meticulous journalist, add one-part daring dominatrix-ofdecorum, and you have a recipe for limitless investigations loaded with witty words of wisdom. In the name of research, the writer explored some for-gay-men-only domains for her book.

"There's sort of a voyeuristic thrill about it; I listened in on men's phone-sex lines, I rented gay male videos, I talked to men about how they have sex and with whom," she shares. Over dinner, Ms. Behavior even learned from a couple of gay male friends about the great debate: "Cut vs. Uncut Wieners"—and, of course, it's all documented in Do What I Say.

Likewise, some gay male readers may be introduced to heretofore uncharted turf. Notes Village Voice columnist Michael Musto: “Thanks to [Ms. Behavior], I now know how to explore my cervix."

"There's a certain humor and campiness that has begun to cross the lines in the community from men to women, and I think that's a good thing," observes Cohn. "It's partly happened through entertainment-through singers and comics-and partly through ways that the community has begun to interact a little bit more.”

From the start, Ms. Behavior's column reached out to both men and women in the community. "There's so much separation between gay men and lesbians that's so unnecessary," she says. "I'm sorry that there aren't more combined venues; it's too bad that most bars are segregated." As if suddenly possessed by Ms. Behavior, her more insolent half, Cohn mischievously adds, "But I guess of you're hot on the trail of new love, you don't want any interference from the opposite sex. I mean, who needs that?"

The advice columnist has received hundreds of correspondences-letters, e-mail and voice mail. At least 50 to 75 percent of the questions, she estimates, relate to sex, relationships, or dating. "All people have the same basic needs; it's all about wanting to find acceptance and love," says Cohn.

And, at the core, no one is more accepting and loving than Ms. Behavior. "There are places where I write things like, 'Ms. Behavior sees the love and light in everyone," "says the author. "Obviously, I write that jokingly, but the truth is, Ms. Behavior really is not all as bitchy as she seems."

As the self-described people-pleaser states in the book: “Ms. Behavior would like to be the salve for your pain and the balm you spread on you wounds."

Ed Karvoski, Jr.'s forthcoming book, A Funny Time to Be Gay, will be published by Fireside/Simon Schuster.